Today truly feels like the twilight zone. Nothing feels good. Nothing feels normal. Nothing feels happy.

My decision to begin birth control might have been a really big mistake.

Without going into unnecessary details, it’s a decision I made for myself, not because this was needed per say.

Right now, I feel as if I’ve lost control of my emotions. I wanna eat everything in sight. I feel super chilly…. As if it’s 45 degrees and the end of October outside. Despite my efforts to remain calm with my anxiety medication, I’m a crying mess.

Happy Saturday y’all.

Anyone wanna share something ridiculously silly to cheer me up?

How about a tub of ice cream?! That sounds amazing right now!

Dear You,

You trying to be invisible,

You secluding in the back,

Dear You,

You driving to fast,

You hiding under the sheets,

Dear You,

You staggering in at 6 a.m.,

You crying upon endlessness crying,

Dear You,

You drowning yourself in pity,

You convincing yourself of shit,

Dear You,

You shutting everyone out,

You pushing everything away,

Dear You,

You refusing to eat,

You dwelling on the past,

Dear You,

You doing nothing,

You expecting nothing to change,

Dear You,

You living behind excuses,

You allowing aimless days,

Dear You,

You drinking every dollar away,

You squandering savings in slot machines,

Dear You,

You soaking up the victim role,

You selling yourself to ignorance,

Dear You,

You dallying the present day

You loosing yourself.

Dear You,

You justifying your behavior,

You wasting life away,

Stop! Enough is enough, and none of this is healthy.

Dear YOU:

You need help.

You need self-love to tell you, you’re worth more.

Right now, I'm watching a Netflix Original Series , "The L Word". In this particular segment, Jenny, a compulsive and inspiring author, is meeting with an editor. She's been diligently writing from the moment her character was introduced in Season 1. Her script has finally landed in the hands of a publisher, who's desire is to put her story out "there". Jenny's in tears; she celebrates out loud... In the very moment she opens the envelope of her first advancement. The plot twist: Jenny's story is dark. As her words formulated on paper, she relived every single haunting detail of childhood. Unfortunately, this munipulated her mind and lead her to self destruct. The editor argues Jenny's portraying herself as a victim, who's encouraging young girls to cut themselves to handle the agnony. To Jenny, as her life spins undeniably and profusely out of control, this choice... is a moment, when she feels some control of it. The editor proclaims that despite her adversity, Jenny is here. She's survived. Her strength has brought her to this meeting, where Jenny's sitting with an editor, discussing a nightmare that happens to be her life. Our lives are a tangled mix of victories and mistakes. We are individuals that have faced life that appeared completely uphill... and we doubted everything we ever thought to be true. We've seen questionable behavior. We've heard gut wrenching confessions. We've testified that no one else could possibly understand what "this is like!!"... Haven't we?.... We've felt like we've lost it... that we aren't making sense, and that our sanity has abandoned us. We've felt this universe, or God has officially acted on some conspiring vendetta against us... and that for unbeknownst reasons, we MUST deserve it... where the ONLY thing that seems to make sense... and the only person that understands is the lie "pick up that razor blade", " go buy another 24 pack", "you know where to find heroin.", or " You are just a pathetic nobody that fails at everything." Our hearts are strong enough to accept what's happened to us. Professionals, religious affiliates, nature, and even children can help... do help. WILL HELP. Our CHOICE to begin the process is how we change though. No one can force us to believe it's possible. No one should ever hold that responsibility for our life. Jenny survives so much ugliness, and the editor is pushing her to see it... But, it's Jenny's life... and it's her perspective. When the final day ends, does she want to be seen as a victim... carrying around her past, avoiding all roads that lead to hope and transformation? Or will she choose to withdrawal the shades, push open the windows, and allow the wind to dust off the cobwebs? You get to decide.

moments …

If I may say, I’ve had some very wonderful ones already today!

Have you? Have you noticed? Did you laugh or soak all of it in as if your life depended on it?

Gosh, I sure hope so!

I hope they stopped your mind from wandering, and you thought of absolutely nothing else.

I enjoyed listening to Skidamerink a Dink this morning. My toddler found it on her Ipad. It’s such a happy song. My grandpa use to sing it to my siblings and me, when we were growing up.

Later, on the way to dropping my daughter off at school, I noticed a lady driving behind me. She wasn’t just ANY lady, though, she is a Steeler’s fan.. She had the exact same car seat covers I have. She also had Steeler’s dice hanging from her mirror. In Cleveland;) Only the unshakeably brave take on such a daring lifestyle.

I love wonderful moments, especially when they surprise me!

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